Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I Am A Real Mom

The world of facebook got me to think about my role as a mother. The postings about, "Copy and repost if you're proud to be a mom" stuff? Well, it made me think about my less stellar moments and how we never talk about them. And why would we? Moms are infallable, tireless, exceptional examples of human greatness, right? Well, I decided to risk exposing some of my flaws in a therapeutic attempt to say, I Am Real! Enjoy!

Seeing my newborn’s happy grin at 2:46 a.m. didn’t always flood my heart with joy.

Sometimes the “sweet smell” of a baby wasn’t all that sweet, it just smelled.

I didn’t always change my baby’s diaper in a timely manner.

The time my baby rolled over, and off the bed, I didn’t scream because I was thrilled at this milestone in development.

I thwarted all my child’s efforts to climb.

When my baby babbled I put on an Academy-worthy performance of pretending I knew exactly what he was saying.

Co-sleeping was all about me getting more rest and had practically nothing at all to do with bonding or making my baby feel more secure.

I think babies shouldn’t learn to walk until they’re 5. They shouldn’t learn to talk until they’re 20, for that matter.

Potty training is best left in the hands of United States Military supervising officers.

Picky toddlers were the inspiration for food fights, by adults.

I have definitely yelled at my kids, sometimes even when they were being truly naughty.

When my kids ask if they can have a treat or watch a movie I will say no just because Mom can say no.

Muddy fingerprints on the wall will never be works of art.

I’m never mean on purpose.

There comes a very important time when a child gets mildly injured that I have to pretend I didn’t just see that happen.

I don’t completely trust my kids.

A good day is when the kids are alive at the end of it.

Crackers = Food = Lunch

It doesn’t make me a bad mother if I avoid hugging the kids when they’re dirty.

Just being honest, my reasons for homeschooling are not all noble. Unsuitable lunches and late starts are among the less noble reasons.

The fact that God loves my kids more than I ever will is proven every day.


Friday, September 03, 2010

House of Craig

We're trying ever so hard to keep track of our kids' wit and wisdoms. It's a good thing, then, that funny is a renewable resource among our children.


MacAulay's Birthday dinner was followed by cake, of which there were six servings. While everyone was enjoying their delights, Murron cast a shadow over the mood with her proclamation, "Soon, we'll only have five at the table because one of us will pass away." We gasped and asked, "Who?" to which she replied, "Elizabeth is getting older.” Elizabeth’s face was white. We told her, “Not PASS away. She’ll MOVE away.”

Kitchen Moment #148: Bill: (accidentally spills food in the refrigerator and on the floor) "Dang it!" Aulay: (bravely mimics Daddy) "Dang it!" (while Bill cleans up Aulay helps and points to the food on the floor and explains) "That's a dang it."

SLAP! Aulay: " 'etend this is the water!" SLAP! Aulay: "I are swimming!" SLAP! Aulay: "See? I in the water." It takes seriously hardcore imagination to perform bellyflops on the kitchen linoleum!

Poor Ulie! With enormous tears streaming down his dirty little cheeks, he lamented, "The fly bited me!" I asked him to show me where the fly was and, as I suspected, it was actually a bee. After removing the stinger, to soothe his injured feelings, I put a hulk bandaid on his finger. Ulie said, "So the bee will get scared, right?!” You bet, kid!

We were playing piano and trombone duets, tonight, when Ulie remarked, "Hey, it's like The Muppet Show!" Bill's thinking, "What am I, Gonzo?" while Glory's flattered to be compared to Rowlf!

I saw Aulay and thought he'd had a nosebleed. Then I noticed that Ulie's nostrils had red tinges too. It didn't take long to sort out what was going on. Aulay displayed his new skill: get Brach's Cinnamon Imperials, stick one into the nostril, blow it out...I can't even make this stuff up!!!

Bill and the boys got haircuts, yesterday. Ulie believes that boys hair doesn't grow so Murron had to explain that, yes, his hair will grow, too. Ulie insists that his hair will always be short while Murron persisted that boys hair gets long too. How will he know if he always gets haircuts?

Aulay to cops of various kinds at a fire department open house: "Is that your gun?" (touching the holster with sticky hands) and an inquisitive: "Do you kill people?" Kudos to the county deputy who told him that he helps people. It's what he tells his own kids.

Ulie doesn't understand Bill's facial hair. "Why did you go to the bear and get it off and put it on you?" Ulie asked his daddy, perplexed. "Why did you do that?"

Family Room Moment #204: (While watching Bee Movie) Murron: "Does she have a husband?" Elizabeth: "No." Murron: "Then why does she live in a house?"

Ulie: "A penny!" Aulay: "Where da penny?" Ulie: "Right here." Aulay: "Yay, Bruddah!"

Momma got told! While helping Ulie settle at bedtime he decided on a small snack. When I expressed my disgust at his choice of tasty tidbits he informed me, "Mom, I'm a kid. I eat nasty snot." Curtailing this gross habit is going to be tougher than I thought...

Within the first 6 hours of Glory's parents' visit: Aulay: "Murron, why are YOU sitting on My Gwampa's wap?" Murron: "Aulay, they're MY Grandpa and Grandma too!" Ulie: (en route to look at Grandpa and Grandma's picture) "Let me see if you look like Grandpa and Grandma" (looks back and forth between photo and Grandparents) "Yup! It's you."

(regarding the role of cosmetology who work with morticians) Elizabeth: It seems that there’s more dead people than living people who want a makeover.

While driving through rural Lopez Island Aulay: “I’m mad now!” Mom: “Why?” Aulay: “Because the animals are pooping”

Ulie: "Superman...and Spiderman...and Larry Boy!"

Murron has said some hilarious stuff, lately. In talking about kids who aren't buckled in car seats, she quipped, "It's like riding in a cabbage." "What?" "You know, horses pull them." We laughed and said she meant carriage. Looking for a snack, she asked, "Can I have a graham crapper? *giggles* I mean, graham crammer *laughing* I can't say it! *pauses* Can I have a graham cramper?" :-D Explaining that matter is everywhere: "Even if you're in a room with nobody in it, you're touching something...even if you're outside, or jumping in the air, or naked jumping out of an airplane!"