Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Don't challenge the man of the house

My manhood was put to the test last night.

I defended my home from intruders.

And they're lucky they didn't get hewn in pieces.

We were watching "Phantom of the Opera" last night when we heard something coming from the shed adjacent to our home. I just ignored it at first, but then it got louder, like someone rumaging through our home. Springing to action, I retrieved the only weapon nearby that would likely dispatch someone quickly, but also scare the living crap out of them, too: our broad sword. Our daughter watched with wide eyes (in admiration for her protective dad, I'm sure) as I unsheathed the sword and went outside to the shed at its outside gate that I found open. I asked Glory to go to the other side from our garage so that she could turn on the light in the shed and scare whatever was there. Ready for a fight, I charged in.

There wasn't anything there.

Lucky for him.

Later, we heard it again. This time, I grabbed flashlight and my menacing BB gun pistol and went on the roof. Nothing there. Then we went back to the shed and looked in the rafters. Still nothing.

On the other side of our lawn or in one of our trees, the culprit (or culprits) was watching and chuckling. The oppossum that Elizabeth saw outside our sliding glass door a few minutes before this whole ordeal started likely was frightened by the mere sight of the weapon that would have slashed him like a knife to butter. And that cat that toyed with me probably skittered to the nearest neighbor, relieved that I didn't cap it in its little kneecaps.

Yeah. They'd better be scared.

But while these intruders were trying to get their heart rates down, Glory laughed at me. "The first time we have to deal with an intruder, and you unsheathed your sword oppossum!"

Glory also chided me, saying that in time of war, I wouldn't have just gone to protect my family. I would have asked her where her gun was, too. Hey, I said, two guns are better than one.

Yeah, keep laughing, wife. That oppossum will never come back now. And neither will that cat. I can smell fear, and it ain't me.

I am the man of the house! I am resourceful! I protect my own, I thought as I, with trembling hands, put back our weapons in their rightful places. But they weren't shaking nearly as much as those menacing little creatures. They were just scared to death, I'm sure.

They'd better be!


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