Monday, April 23, 2012

One finger...

One finger. No more than one. And not even the whole finger. Just the nail portion, actually. So, one quarter of a finger, pretty much. Yet it might as well be the whole thing. Or my hand. Or my arm all the way to my elbow, or armpit. This stinks (I meant to pun).

I had surgery to see what was causing some weird abnormality. I almost chickened out of the surgery. I’ve never had a surgical knife touch my body before. I haven’t had to. I know lots of women so much younger than me who have. Big surgeries. Stuff that they get put to sleep for. The doctor put my finger to sleep. It’s more like a needle delivering a hard concussion to the finger. It hurts just for second or two. Then it’s lights out. Just a small part of me, anyway.

I sang worship songs in my head. Revelation Song. Your Holiness Surrounds Me. No reason for those songs in particular. Just because I had used them to lead the prior worship service. It helped. It always helps when I’m at the dentist. I ignored the sounds of the surgery. Even when I was tempted to look at what was happening. I didn’t look. Not even one little peek. I listened to their voices, instead. They talked about what they were doing, the doctor and his assistant. They talked about the surgery. They gossiped. It was funny. “You are beauty and light, no darkness at all…”

The doctor put a bandage on me. Then he printed a prescription for a strong painkiller. Then he told me to schedule a follow up appointment. He said goodbye and left the room. After I left I made the appointment and waited for my husband to pick me up. I was emotional. I needed him. So much.

Since then I have been in a haze from the painkiller. I have been kept awake from searing pain. I have been frustrated with my inability to do much of anything. I have spent way too much time online and far too little time in the shower. I have tried to cope with not serving my family by baking and cooking. I have looked at recipes with sadness. I have been scared and anxious. I have cried. And I have been reminded that this will get better. My husband and kids have shown me that they can serve me by helping out. My friends have been very caring toward me. Someone else offered to lead worship this past Sunday. And my finger will get better in time. I know this because I talked to the doctor on the phone and he said it would. I’ll take his word for it.

"If one part (of the body of Christ) suffers, every part suffers with it..."
1 Corinthians 12:26a


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